The Words I Fear to Hear
by ReaderOfShadows
Summary: Killian Jones was born with "I love you" on his wrist - the final words his Soulmate will ever tell him. As he grows, the definition and meaning of these words grow and change with him, but each time they ring with finality in his ears. So, he chooses not to say them, trying to outplay Fate itself. But perhaps the truth of the tattoo is different. Season 4 finale inspired.


**A/N:** To say that I am nervous about this fic is an understatement. I've never written one from Killian's point of view yet. But this wouldn't leave my mind. I couldn't find the orginal post where people mused about "I love you" being tattooed on his wrist from birth as a sign of his Soulmate's last words, but I am pretty sure killihan-jones was involved. So there you go, this is for you and everyone else who might enjoy this prompt. Unbeta'd.

Written listening to _Tip of my Tongue_ by Civil Wars.

Warning: angst ahead.

* * *

For Killian Jones, words "I love you" are both a healing salve for his wounded heart and poison that has darkened his blood and mind.

The phrase has always been with him, they are the reason he eagerly learns to read under his mother's gentle guidance. Because being _told_ what the squiggly lines on his wrist mean are not the same as being able to read them. Not that he really understands what Soulmate mean when his mother explains that this phrase will be last thing his Soulmate will say to him.

"Last thing? Does that mean she will die after, mommy?" he asks, worried, but she assures him that it could very well be when they're very, very old, gray and wrinkly. Since it seems like forever and ever in the future, the answer calms little Killian. She also reminds him that this is one of the many reasons he is very special boy as only few have a chance to meet their true Soulmates.

But when the light is fading from her green eyes, skin sickly pale, telling him she loves him, suddenly reality of losing this Soulmate - this most precious person that loves him and that he loves - is so close that it is gripping his mind and his throat, because he can't even say it back properly as he cries, clutching his mother's hand.

Much later, he loses Liam, his big brother, his Captain, his whole _family_ , and although his stubborn, too trusting brother didn't utter those fateful words as his very last, the old wound is reopened and Killian spirals down a dark path. There are no such things as Soulmates, or True Love or True Happiness, only fleeting solace to him can be brought by vengeance, rum and women whose name he never recalls the morning after.

It isn't until he meets Milah, lovely Milah who wishes to be free as a bird but has fierceness of gryphon, that the writing on his wrist starts to bother him once more. But together they are a storm none can withstand and there is no way he will lose another like he lost his mother or Liam - powerless and forced to watch. Perhaps his mother was right and he will age old with his Soulmate or they will go down together, ship cannons thundering and swords clinking. He _will not_ be left behind.

Yet, he is, with nothing but rage and pain to fill the hole Dark One creates in him, crushing Milah's passionate heart. And he becomes Captain Hook whose dreams are plagued by three simple words, messengers of joy and harbingers of death. For hundreds of years, through the humid jungles of Neverland, countless betrayals (done by and to him), these words fuel his rage and he believes he will never utter or hear them again.

Once he meets certain blonde, he stops glancing at the "I love you" on his wrist so often. Not because he is forgetting Milah, but this Swan makes him feel _alive_ and suddenly makes living actually interesting. She is unpredictable force of nature and the way she wants to return home, to her son, just strikes a string in him he didn't think he had anymore. Secretly, he is rooting for her to get back to this strange Storybrooke and if only she had given him a chance ( given them a chance), he'd have more than gladly done it by her side.

But their meeting is brief and when she has stormed away, taking the fierce flashes of lightning with her, he is left only with the bracelet of painful words. And when he shoots Belle, he hopes that Crocodile will finish his job so he can maybe see Milah on the other side and say the cursed words he didn't manage to before her heart turned to dust. It is not meant to be however, and the words raise from their haunted grave once more.

It is a mere whisper in back of his mind when he is sailing away from Storybrooke, knowing that everyone behind him will cease to exist oh so very soon. It is already an audible sentence when she's on the deck of Jolly Roger, noy breathing after her senseless, brave dive to break up their fight. And when she surprises them both, accepting his challenge, the voice singing in his head is unstoppable. _I love you, love you, Iloveyou._

The words nearly slip out of his mouth in the cave, but it is not simply the presence of Charmings and Baelfire that make him rephrase his meaning. For same reason, he cannot say them by the town line when Swan is saying her good byes, forever. Because even if she won't say them in return(of course she won't, because he's just a pirate who hasn't had chance to win her whole heart yet, just a part of it), these words now ring with finality in his ears.

He does as promised and thinks of her every day, even if it is more torture than anything. Sometimes he wonders, what if, just what if there was a good reason Milah's wrist was clean and Swan's always wrapped up in shoelaces. And when the smallest chance to see her smile (or frown, really he'd be happy with anything) again appears, he readily jumps on it, trading his precious ship for the bean. With same unchanging determination he fights to bring his Swan back home in every sense of the word.

From there on, his love only continues to grow, as does his fear. And although there are so many times, so many reasons to tell her what she means to him and hear confirmaton from her, Killian never presses for it. Not even when she decides to be tearful goodbye person, _just this once_. Because if he hasn't said it and heard it, there is just the tiniest chance he will live up to his Survivor reputation.

In those six weeks, he relearns more about himself than he ever thought possible and also that you don't need three certain words to let know the other how much you love them. He reads it in his Swan's smile and soft, casual kiss to his cheek before she runs off to save the world - or at least Storybrooke, but she'd be capable of saving the whole world, of that he is sure - again. He thinks she knows, sees it, too, although her nearly fearful question in the cabin proves that she is still afraid to accept it. And that is yet another reason why he will never push her to say "I love you". Not even when he can nearly literally see them forming on her lips after their return from another reality where he, again and hopelessly, fell in love with Emma Swan.

(If that is not one proof of them being Soulmates, then he does not know what could be. So, he refuses to look at the dark lines on her wrist the one time the long sleeves and shoelaces have been shed in favor for soft pink dress.)

And now he is standing in the dark street of cursed town, staring at the dagger that just clinked softly on the asphalt, hoping, wishing, _needing_ to believe that he can outrun not only a curse but fate itself. For his soul is damned to eternal suffering already if he will not make sure to hear those words from his Swan again and again, 'till they are old, gray and crinkly, now that they have been let loose. This time, he _will not_ be left behind without saying them in return, stunned silent in the painful, horrifying realization that had crippled him as her hand clutched his over her precious heart he had sworn to protect.

In this moment, he wants to think that perhaps the story is wrong, that "I love you" are not the final words of his Soulmate, perhaps they are simply the words that have and always will define him, for better and for worse.


End file.
